Polyamory is everywhere.
It permeates society at every turn: from fictional shows, like "Bojack Horseman" and "Riverdale," to reality TV, with "Couple to Throuple." There's been recent legislation aimed at recognizing polyamorous couples, and publications (including this one!) have been writing article after article about non-monogamy for years now, too.
Why, exactly? Many factors are at play, according to experts, including changing attitudes toward monogamy as a result of the pandemic and increasing, unfettered access to information online about different relationship styles. Not to mention that finding that once-in-a-lifetime-love doesn't happen for everyone.
"People are recognizing that perhaps this societal invention of one person meets another person, they fall in love, they're only in love with one another, they marry and they move into a house, they have 2.5 kids, that's not an achievable dream for a lot of folks," says Shanna Kattari, associate professor at the School of Social Work and in the Women’s and Gender Studies Department at the University of Michigan.
Polyamory means "multiple loves" – a word coined in the late 20th century, with Greek and Latin roots.
"It usually describes a particular approach to (consensual non-monogamy) that prioritizes ongoing emotional and sexual connections with multiple partners," Sheila Addison, a family and marriage therapist, previously told USA TODAY. It's not to be confused with polygamy, aka "multiple wives" – something typically associated with religious or cultural practices, she said. According to a 2016 study that sampled U.S. Census data from single adults, 20% of participants reported engaging in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime.
"When you put so much on one relationship, and you have really high expectations, you set yourself up for disappointment inevitably," says Leanne Yau, polyamory expert.
Typically, interest in polyamory waxes and wanes over years. During times of political strife and unease – war, climate change, economic turbulence (and of course, a pandemic) – people tend to question other institutions as well. That includes marriage and primary relationship structures.
"COVID forced us to confront so many different aspects of our lives that hadn't been working or weren't completely satisfying to us – especially within relationships," says psychotherapist Madison McCullough. For some people, it meant addressing problems within their existing relationship. For others, it meant FaceTime dates up the wazoo.
"It seems like we've always had some understanding of it being OK to be non-monogamous in some context, so long as the happily ever after or the ending involves just this one person," says Justin Clardy, assistant professor of philosophy at Santa Clara University, referencing TV shows like "The Bachelor."
But falling in love with one person forever? "What if I've been dating multiple people, like most people do before you find somebody to settle down with, and I don't want to choose between two of them, or three of them?" Kattari says.
Elisabeth Sheff, an expert on consensual non-monogamy, adds: "That's just totally unrealistic to expect that level of glowing perfection from someone else for the rest of your life."
What is polyamory?What to know about poly relationships.
If you are curious about polyamory, here are things to consider:
Watch:Polyamory has hit reality TV with 'Couple to Throuple.' Expect to challenge your misconceptions.
Will consensual non-monogamy ever take the place of serial monogamy? No one knows. But we're likely headed for some wiggle room around what traditional monogamy looks like. Exclusivity after a period of dating is no longer assumed – you have to have a conversation about it.
Experts hope we get to a point where many kinds of relationships are recognized between consensual adults. But it's important to remember that while monogamy won't work for everyone, neither will non-monogamy.
Also, you don't have to be even remotely interested in polyamory to read up on it. Kattari adds: "The more that even monogamous people are willing to learn and educate themselves about polyamory, the better it is for everyone."
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